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Hey everybody. Sorry this post is going up late. I have been contemplating what to write, and how to express my current struggles. So, I'm just going to go for it. I feel like dirt. All day Sunday I was coming to terms with this new feeling and I just couldn't handle it. I went to campus to try and clear my head and to vent to Bridey (Thanks so much, by the way. You're the bestest! :) I honestly felt so ready to just drive my car into the Sabine. I just felt so dirty, with all of my struggles. Not just my depression and suicidal thoughts, but my sickness and the fact that I don't really see my self worth. I just honestly didn't think that I could look at myself anymore and I just wanted to tell someone. I'm too scared to go to my parents, and don't really feel comfortable telling them about this stuff. It's just something that happened and I don't know why. So, I went and talked to Bridey. It felt weird to say those things and to try and come to terms with how I was feeling and why I was feeling like that. She listened and gave me encouragement, and that helped me through the week. Until Friday. For some reason completely and utterly unknown to me, I started feeling really depressed and ready to drive my car into the Sabine. I told Bridey and Jennie how I felt, and what I think may be causing this particular string of depression. My dreams have been so depressing lately. I woke up crying Wednesday night from a dream. I won't go into detail, but they were bad. Anyways, I went to bed Friday night, and Saturday morning I woke up with no motivation to do anything and still very, very depressed. It was like I was just a shell of who I was and I was not there. Bridey texted me all morning. She wanted me to try and the good, which may have been a good thing, but this was the deepest depression I have ever been in. I kept telling her just to let me go, and that I wasn't worth having in this world. I was ready to leave. Just be done with all of this. She said something that I'll never forget. She said that if I died, it would kill her. Now, that didn't snap me out of the depression and the thoughts and my dark place, but it made me see what my consequences would be. I was very depressed all day. I stayed in my room and tried to make myself be happy again. Nothing helped. We were supposed to do a bonfire that night, but Bridey called it off, and she told me to come get her from campus. She really made me feel like a human again. I just have so much that I'm struggling with. If you could look inside my brain and see my thoughts and what goes on in there, you'd be depressed too. As of writing this, I am still pretty depressed. It has lessened, but I am still in a grey place. My friend Corinne sent me something almost a year ago when something horrible happened to me. I wrote it on my mirror so I can see it, and it has been giving me some hope. I'd like to share it with you.
"Marian Chase you are a daughter of God, the most High King. No one can take that title from you. Cling fast to it. People only know but a small part of you. God knows how to restore every living aspect of you because He gave you to them for a reason. He made you just like the spring grass or the winter lambs, and all things He makes for a purpose Marian,especially you."
Those words have been helping me some and the words of Bridey and Jennie have been putting it into perspective. There's one more thing I need to say. I feel too dirty and scared to go to church. When I wake up, or more often than not, get woken up by my dad, I get so scared that I am on the verge of a panic attack. I know that I need the fellowship, but right now, I need to try and not be scared. I don't know why I am scared, or what is going on in my brain, but it is what is going on right now. I have been watching Jen Hatmaker with my dad on Sunday evenings, and I am really enjoying listening to her and learning from her. I have also been listening to one song on repeat for about a week now. It is called "Let Love Win" by Carrollton. I will link it down below. Please listen to it, and let the words flow through you. Anyways, that's all for this week. I love y'all!
Stay beautiful!
Marlee
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