When the Heartache Doesn't Stop
What do you do when the heartache doesn't stop? When you regret every decision you've made because of one decision that hurt you? When you can't get him out of your mind because you're plagued with "What Ifs" and "why did I do this to myself" questions? How do you make the pain stop because it has reduced you to sitting in your house in a hoodie in 97∘ weather because you keep asking yourself "What If?" What do you do when the pain has consumed you and you can't focus on your schoolwork? Do you let the pain consume you or do you try to ignore it by binge watching your favorite show on Netflix? Do you think about the pain you caused him because you weren't ready for this and it all felt too fast? Will you ever stop blaming yourself? What happens when your safe people aren't there because it's summer and everyone has gone home? Do you let yourself spiral down into darkness or do you fight to be back to normal?
All of these questions have been plaguing my mind the past 5 months since everything blew up. I know I ended it. I know why. But these questions have been in my mind, keeping me up at night, making me regret everything as tears fall down my face and I try to forget all of it ever happened. I have tried just about everything to make myself stop and be okay, from talking and crying with my family and close friends, to binge watching NCIS and When Calls the Heart to make myself forget everything. But all of that comes to an end eventually, and you're left with yourself and what you did, and the "What Ifs" rear their ugly head.
What if I had stayed with him and tried to work things out instead of running? Would I be happy? Would I be in love? What if I found the one man who would love me despite all of my emotional scars and self inflicted trauma? What if I'm not good enough for anyone? What if I never get to live my biggest dream of being a wife and mom?
No one told me that breakups would be this hard. Yeah, the movies and TV shows all depict it as depressing and stuff, but they never show the ugly truth when it is combined with previous issues. No one ever sees the raw breakup of someone who has depression and anxiety. All the doubts and questions that are raised. No one came and swept me off my feet after my breakup. No one made me fall in love when I thought I would never love or fall in love. Breakups on TV and in movies are unrealistic and false. It doesn't always happen like that.
At least, it didn't happen to me. I'm still waiting for my knight in shining armor. But let's be honest. He's probably a knight in shining tinfoil riding a turtle backwards, with an upside-down map, my name spelled wrong, and a picture of me from the 8th grade. But I'm still waiting for my turn to be happy, to be loved, to feel special, and to feel God's love through someone else. To give my heart so completely to someone and to make him feel like he is the greatest thing on earth. I'm still waiting, but this heartache is taking over me.
All of these questions have been plaguing my mind the past 5 months since everything blew up. I know I ended it. I know why. But these questions have been in my mind, keeping me up at night, making me regret everything as tears fall down my face and I try to forget all of it ever happened. I have tried just about everything to make myself stop and be okay, from talking and crying with my family and close friends, to binge watching NCIS and When Calls the Heart to make myself forget everything. But all of that comes to an end eventually, and you're left with yourself and what you did, and the "What Ifs" rear their ugly head.
What if I had stayed with him and tried to work things out instead of running? Would I be happy? Would I be in love? What if I found the one man who would love me despite all of my emotional scars and self inflicted trauma? What if I'm not good enough for anyone? What if I never get to live my biggest dream of being a wife and mom?
No one told me that breakups would be this hard. Yeah, the movies and TV shows all depict it as depressing and stuff, but they never show the ugly truth when it is combined with previous issues. No one ever sees the raw breakup of someone who has depression and anxiety. All the doubts and questions that are raised. No one came and swept me off my feet after my breakup. No one made me fall in love when I thought I would never love or fall in love. Breakups on TV and in movies are unrealistic and false. It doesn't always happen like that.
At least, it didn't happen to me. I'm still waiting for my knight in shining armor. But let's be honest. He's probably a knight in shining tinfoil riding a turtle backwards, with an upside-down map, my name spelled wrong, and a picture of me from the 8th grade. But I'm still waiting for my turn to be happy, to be loved, to feel special, and to feel God's love through someone else. To give my heart so completely to someone and to make him feel like he is the greatest thing on earth. I'm still waiting, but this heartache is taking over me.
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