Overcoming Suicide

Hey everyone! I'm so sorry that I haven't posted in forever. There has been so much going on in my life, from trips to senior year to just figuring out my life. I have been doing well, and I am so proud of my journey and how far I have come. I also have some sad news. This will be my last post for now. It is hard to say goodbye to something that helped me so much these past three years, but I can't give you my full attention. Maybe someday I will start writing again, but for now, this is goodbye. Thank you all for coming with me on my journey, and for loving me through it. I love you all, and pray that you all are blessed and feel loved. Remember that your story isn't over yet, and that you have such an amazing life to live, so live it to the fullest. Stay beautiful, my lovelies. Marlee

I took a big step forward today. I went to get a haircut. Now, most people would think that's not a big deal, but I have an irrational fear of barber shops and hair salons. Yesterday, I made it as far as the parking lot before I started having a panic attack. But today, I did it. I got a haircut. I'm really proud of myself, and I know that this is a big step for me. Sorry about not posting last week, I had a date with my daddy that lasted all day. These past two weeks have been pretty good. My class has been going well, and I'm super happy with how it's been going. Season 15 of NCIS has been released on Netflix, and OH MY GOSH MY EMOTIONS!!! I'm going to die. Only 15 days until I leave for my trip! I'm super excited to go to Florida. Like, I'm super ready. Anyways, that's all for this week. Have a good one! Stay beautiful! Marlee

Hey everybody! I hope y'all had a great holiday week! I had a pretty good week. My mom's sister and part of her family came down for the week, so it was fun to see them. It's also World Cup summer, so there were lots of soccer watching parties this week. Sad day that Brasil is knocked out of the Cup. They played strong though, from what I was told. I honestly don't have the patience to sit with a bunch of crazy people watching an intense game featuring Brasil. I was reading and watching movies instead. Wednesday was Independence Day here in the US. It was awesome to spend time with family and friends. I even got to do my own firework show. It was so much fun getting to set off fireworks and watch people's reactions. My cousin's reaction was the best though. This year was her first year to be able to set off Roman Candles, since she's 11 now. She was apprehensive at first, but after setting off her first one, she was quickly asking to do two at one time and m

Hey everybody! Sorry for the disappearance. After my last post, I decided that I needed to take some time to work on me and getting myself in the right mindset. I'm doing somewhat better, but I'm still definitely feeling emotions. I took my test a week ago Thursday, and I got my results on Thursday. I did not pass the math section. That was a hard thing to see, and all the stress and anxiety I had just finished dealing with came roaring back. I have to wait another 36 days before I can take the test again, so I am really stressing. I did manage (somehow) to pass the other sections though, so that's good. I have also been doing a lot of reading lately. I am finally on the third book of the Chiveis trilogy, called "The Kingdom". I've read the series before, but it has been a while since I read it. I'm excited to relive the adventure and see how it ends. Once I finish, it will be back to the reading list, starting with "Delirium" by Lauren Oliver. I

What do you do when the heartache doesn't stop? When you regret every decision you've made because of one decision that hurt you? When you can't get him out of your mind because you're plagued with "What Ifs" and "why did I do this to myself" questions? How do you make the pain stop because it has reduced you to sitting in your house in a hoodie in 97∘ weather because you keep asking yourself "What If?" What do you do when the pain has consumed you and you can't focus on your schoolwork? Do you let the pain consume you or do you try to ignore it by binge watching your favorite show on Netflix? Do you think about the pain you caused him because you weren't ready for this and it all felt too fast? Will you ever stop blaming yourself? What happens when your safe people aren't there because it's summer and everyone has gone home? Do you let yourself spiral down into darkness or do you fight to be back to normal? All of these q

Hey everybody! What's up? Week 2 of summer has quickly passed, and I am still doing my class! Yay! It has been going well so far, my schedule has worked out well. I'm seriously stressing about my TExES exam, which I have decided I will take on 21 June. Prayers would be appreciated, because test anxiety is real y'all. I was supposed to leave for Florida tomorrow, but some stuff came up and we are going the first week of July instead. I have been reading a lot this week. I am still working through Heartless  by Marissa Meyer, and then I will probably start on the Chiveis  trilogy again. The other books on my reading list I would have to get from the Library, and the LETU library is closed for the time being, so those will have to wait. I'll link to the Chiveis  trilogy down below. It's a Christian series, and it's so amazing. I hope y'all check it out. With summer here comes sadness and adjustment to not having my friends around. Some have stayed around for th

Hey everybody! Happy summer! School is officially out for the summer, as far as most people are concerned. I, however, am taking an online summer class and need to take the TExES exam this summer, so more schooling for me. I have a pretty good outline for my schoolwork and studying, along with the nannying job I am doing this summer. I am going to be pretty busy! But, I am okay with this. I like to be busy and to keep my mind off of a lot of things. Bridey came and stayed for a couple of days this week before she left for Kenya. She is on a trip with the Wheels group from LETU. She has been looking forward to this for a while now, and I am so happy she got to go. This week also held a sad realization for me. I realized that Lissie graduated, and she won't be coming back to school in the fall. I was so busy with Faith coming and everything else in my life that I didn't realize that she wasn't coming back until a few days later. Needless to say, I cried for a good while. She

Hey guys! Sorry for dissappearing these last three weeks. It has been SUPER crazy between finals, hell week, and being sick. These past three weeks have been okay. I had a rough past couple of days because of some personal reasons. I have been reading a lot lately, and I have been loving it. Currently, I am reading Heartless by Marissa Meyer. I'll link to it down below. It is super good so far, and I am enjoying reading it. Yesterday, Faith decided to come visit. Y'ALL! MY BESTIE CAME BACK!!! It has been so much fun to have her here these past couple of days. We went to LETU grad today, and that was super fun. I have so many friends graduating and I know I am going to miss them all a ton. But I wish them all the best. This week, the songs of the week are "From The Ground Up" by Dan and Shay, and "Who I Am" by Jessica Andrews. The Dan and Shay song is so cute and I have fallen in love with it. I want to play it at my wedding. The Jessica Andrews song reminds

Hey everybody! I'm sorry for the lack of post last week. It had been a crazy busy week and I was exhausted. Hootenanny went AWESOME!!! I had such a blast shifting mics and I didn't get hit in the face with a microphone. That was my biggest goal. I am so going to do that again next year. I also got The Greatest Showman on DVD this past week. Oh. My. Glob. I am still obsessed with it. I have watched it 2.25 times so far, and there will be many more to come. These past couple of weeks, I have been listening to a song by Anthem Lights called "Hide Your Love Away". I'll link to it down below. It has been my prayer lately, that I will hide my love away and wait for the man God is preparing for me. It has been hard these past few months, now that I know what heartbreak feels like. So, I am going to hide my love away and wait. God will bring him to me in His perfect timing. In the mean time, I am going to enjoy my friends and the stage of life I am in. The other song I wo

Hey everybody! Oh my goodness. Who is loving this weather? It's so gorgeous outside and I am loving all the green! Anybody else? No? Just me? Okay. I'll just go enjoy it by myself. Just kidding. This week has been crazy busy, but really good. I have been able to get a lot of things done, and have been able to relax as well. Yesterday was the Tennis Tournament put on by Pro-Life LeTourneau. It was so much fun! Definitely the highlight of the week, other than Passover. I'm still doing well in my classes, and enjoying being able to have time where I get to observe in classrooms. It has been so much fun to be an education major. I can't believe that I'm gonna be a senior this fall! Holy cow! Soon, I'll be a real adult human thing. Still not too sure about that though. I think this post is going to be shorter because my billow and book are calling my name outside. I have been reading Renegades  by Marissa Meyer. I am loving it so far. Her other book series, The Lunar

Hey everybody! I hope y'all had a good week this week. I did. It was so nice to be back in my normal routine and to be able to see peoples. Classes went well, and I enjoyed being able to hang out with my friends. There were a couple of rough days, just because my body has been so exhausted lately. I'm doing okay, emotionally. There are still some rough patches that need to be fixed, but I'm doing better every day. Next Friday is going to be really exciting, and I can't wait to tell y'all all about it. I'll leave it at that and leave y'all in suspense. I did something really huge yesterday. I went on stage during chapel to do a chapel announcement with a friend, and I was shaking like crazy. I was so nervous and borderline panic attack. But, it went well, even though I didn't say anything. I was able to complete the task, and I'm really proud of myself. I am still looking for a summer job thing, and I am hoping to have a couple of leads soon. I'll

Hey everybody! Not a lot has happened this week. It has been Spring Break, so there has been a lot of sleeping on my part. I have also been watching movies, NCIS, YouTube, and many other things to pass the time. I'm so happy that it's almost over. I'm still working on trying to get a summer job, so hopefully that will come about soon. I'm also starting to find stuff for my first apartment when I move out after senior year. If any of y'all have any ideas of where I can find stuff for cheap or free, let me know! Yesterday, I was sick all day. That was fun. Not. I'm feeling better today, just a little foggy and after effects. Emotionally, I have been doing okay. I have my ups and downs, but mostly ups. School has been exhausting, so that's a thing. I have also been studying for my content exam all week, so hopefully I can be somewhat ready when I take it (I'm still not sure when that is, but I'll let you know). The two songs for this week are "The

Hey everybody! How's y'all's week hanging? Mine has been...Painful. Emotionally and physically. To start it off, Saturday I was dragged by a mini bike, and it pulled some muscles in my shoulder. I'm okay otherwise, but boy does it hurt. Then, Tuesday I had a panic attack in my first class of the day, managed to lock my keys in my trunk while at my observations, had to pay $40 to get them out, and generally had a stressful day. The rest of this week has been trying to recover from those two days. My shoulder is still out, but I'm hoping it'll be better sooner rather than later. This week is Spring Break, and I have nothing to do but study for my TExES exam, and sleep. I'm looking forward to the sleep part. Emotionally, I have been doing fairly well. I have been having mostly good days, with the occasional bad day thrown in just to spite me. I have been doing better at making myself okay when I have a bad day, and I have been proving to myself that I can do th

Hey guys. Sorry about lack of post. I just needed some space after everything that happened. I'm doing better, and I have been trying hard to trust in God and know that He has a better plan for me. These past couple of weeks haven't been too exciting. Except yesterday. I managed to fight with a motorbike and loose. It was crazy. I'm okay, but my shoulder is a little banged up. I have been doing okay in classes, the stress is definitely starting to set in. I'm ready to just be done at this point. I have applied for a summer job at LETU to work the summer camps, so hopefully that will work and I can also get my field observations done when I need them done. Prayers for those two situations would really be appreciated. This week, my friend Corrine came to visit. It was so fun to see her and be able to hang out with her for a bit. We got to catch up and just be together. I was so happy that she came. Next week is spring break, so I probably won't be doing anything too e

Hey everybody. These past two weeks have been really rough on me. Scratch that. This past month has been rough on me. My heart has taken a beating and it has been hard for me to recover. I'll be okay though. My boyfriend and I broke up on the 8th, and it has been rough on me. I have been kicking myself and really upset about everything, so that's why there was no blog post last week. This week has been healing and trying to be okay for me. I'm gonna be fine. I guess some things just don't work out. Please don't ask for details because I really don't feel like talking about it. On to other things, I have been really stressed as of late. School and work have been crazy, and I finally have my placement for my field experience (yay!) so I can go into the schools starting Tuesday. It's just been a lot lately, and I can't wait to be able to breathe again. Last night was the fundraiser for Pro-Life LeTourneau, and it was so much fun! I got to hang out with my f

So, I have a huge life update. I have a boyfriend. He is so amazing and sweet and he is just. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!😍😍😍😍 We started dating on Monday, and he is so amazing. I know I already said that, but he is. Anyways, that's the huge thing. Other than that, my week has been super busy. I have been working and doing my homework and babysitting and oh my glob. I need two of me sometimes. Today, I have been taking a breathe day. I just need a minute to relax and not stress about what's going on in life. Classes have been good, and I have been really enjoying them. On Tuesday, my Activities for Special Populations class had a Disability Awareness Day. Everyone in the class was assigned a disability to simulate and experience for a day. I was assigned quadriplegia, and it was really different. I was not able to use my arms or legs, and someone had to push me around. It was kinda fun getting to go fast, but I felt left out because all I could do for the activities was watch people as

Hey everybody! How was y'all's week? Mine was good. Busy, but good. It snowed here. In East Texas. WAT??? WAT IS THIS WHITE FLUFFY COLD STUFF?? It was nice to be able to have a couple of extra days off school to work on homework and relax. But it was really lonely. I really wanted to play in the snow with my friends on campus, but the roads were a sheet of ice and not safe to drive on. So, I didn't. I ended up going for a walk in my neighborhood a little while after it snowed, and it was so peaceful and quiet. Classes have been going well. I have been enjoying all of them so far. I especially love getting to go into the schools and love on students. It is definitely the highlight of my week. This week I also started doing something new. I have been wanting to find a way to exercise that would not aggrivate my asthma, and yoga came to mind. So, this week, I started doing yoga at home. I have been following YouTube videos, and I have been enjoying it. It always leaves me ener

Hey everybody! Sorry it's been so long with the posts. There has been a lot going on these past few weeks. I have been spending time with family, studying for my TExES exam, and losing my mind. School started back this week, and it was a great first week! Starting on Saturday, I got to welcome my friends back to campus, which was so much fun! Sunday night, Bridey, Jennie, and I went to see The Greatest Showman. Oh. My. Glob. I am so obsessed. The soundtrack was amazing, the acting was spectacular, and the special effects were out of this world. I'll link two of my favorite songs below as the songs of the week. My classes this semester are going well so far. I have been really busy from sunup to sundown. Between classes, meetings, friends, babysitting, and studying for my TExES exam, I think I'm gonna lose my mind at some point. But I'll manage. Prayers would be appreciated as I study and take this test this semester. My whole career path is riding on it and I am kind of